luahan di Attic

Friday, August 19, 2011

cedihnya

Owh, sedihnya saya pada minggu ini.
Saya tak dapat menghadiri latihan ragbi kerana sedang menolong mak,
Saya tidak dapat jogging bersama kawan-kawan kerana mak minta saya balik.
Saya tidak berjaya dapat biasiswa Yayasan Tunku Abdul Rahman.
Saya terserempak dengan wallpost MRU yang agak mencemarkan nama Dingoes.

Biasiswa YTAR
Walaupun saya telah cuba sedaya upaya dan sebaik mungkin tetapi nampaknya saya tidak cukup hebat untuk mendapat biasiswa ini. Ya, saya agak sedih namun saya tahu yang saya telah memberi my best dan that there's nothing that I could have done better. At least I know that I won't regret that I went for the interview and went all the way...

Oh well, I did my best. Guess I wasn't good enough.

So, buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih: Pengalaman yang saya dapat sepanjang proses pemilihan dan sesi temuramah tidak akan dilupai oleh saya.

Inspirational quotes from the internet...

The past should be the past. It can destroy the future. Live life for what tomorrow has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away.

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change.

Sometimes you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life

Failure is not an excuse not to trust yourself.

It's hard to wait around for something you know won't happen, but it's even harder to stop waiting when you know it's everything you want.

alright, so after a few hours of being sad, i got to get back up again.
For some of you, you know that I'm a sore loser aka kiasu as in once I lose something I give up on it and don't ever want to go through it.

For instance when i lost in standard 6 in the 100m (I got 2nd place) then I stop running 100 meters and took up long distance in secondary school. I took up open runs as long as I got position, certificate and medal but once I didn't get a position I changed to walking. Just like that, each time I lose I will totally stop and change. SORE LOSER right? That's why I'm so kiasu, DON'T wanna lose.

but this time, I wanna change, I don't want to give up. Just as the quote above "Failure is NOT an excuse to not trust yourself"

So in a way the scholarship application gave me the courage to believe in myself, I want to prove to myself that I'm worth it. I am somebody. All my life I've been looking down on myself, telling myself don't ever dream of applying for a scholarship, You can't do much in life.

I know I failed and didn't get it but yeah, I've gained a bit of confidence and self esteem in myself...

Funnily, I was actually quite confident that I would get it but failed..LoL, you know the other time that I was very confident on something was in Form 5; the sports house captain-ship, but that also was a sudden fail. I guess next time I should not be confident that I'll succeed, just a Hope would be sufficient, Don't make it a SURE, just a HOPE.

It has been my philosophy, don't aim too high, you'll just end up with disappointment if you fail. Aim low so you will achieve it in reality and you won't be surprised if things don't go your way since you already "expected it"

"Never break four things in your life - TRUST, RELATION, PROMISE & HEART because when they break, they dont make noise but pains a lot..." Charles Dickens

Thursday, August 11, 2011

medal finally here

Yesterday I went home to take some stuffs and I found a package for me...I was surprised and curious.
It was my personalized long forgotten medal! LoL, My bible knowledge (BK) Rosie Cheah Award -medal.

here's the old post about the rosie cheah award. P/s: click on the "here's"

The Rosie Cheah BK Postal Quiz Award P/s: click on "the rosie cheah bk postal quiz award"
This award hopes to encourage and bless students who excel in the BK Postal Quiz and thus contribute to promoting the SPM Bible Knowledge paper. Students who have taken the BK Postal Quiz for two consecutive years (starting from year 2006) and attained the score of Highly Commendable qualify for this award.

well, I won this award in 2009 because of my 2008 and 2009 BK postal quiz...I was one of the Top 3 for both years. I couldn't really go for the free camp because I guess I was over-aged? or I didn't really bother cause I was lazy. Anyway, I waited for the medal till 2010 and then just forgot about it.

And yeah, so today's post will be about how timely this medal came.

It's like : I thought you forgotten me and I thought I'll never see you again. <--me saying to the medal. Waited so long ma...So I gave up on the thought of ever seeing you. BUT then now He answers "I have never forgotten you and never had. I never gave up on you and I have been watching you from afar all this while." <--(I changed address ma, so thought it's over)

You see, I've been slacking in my spiritual life. Some call it burn out, some call it wilderness and some say back slide? Some say lost the passion and some say lost the first love.

And this started at form 6, due to a sin I indulged myself in. I started floating away from God, feeling ashamed to go near Him. So I ignored and abandoned Him.

Yet everyday I still saw His fingerprints in my life, I saw Him working in my life, I saw His blessings and knew He is still watching over me. I was longing to let go of His hand but wishing that He would not let go of me...

I finally took a look at myself in the mirror and realised i can't be indulging in this sin forever, it's sinful, and destroying my life, i felt really disgusted and ashamed of myself and it was really tough trying to come out of it but it was do-able. Despite coming out of it, i still couldn't bring myself to go back to God, I felt really ashamed, not worthy, dirty, and I was away for too long that I thought that I just can't go back to Him. I couldn't trust myself anymore, I believed in Him and I knew He is faithful; I believed in Him but I didn't believe in me. "I know He loves me so much, but do I love Him?"

So i filled up my life trying to be as busy as I can in order to avoid people, church and God. I used "I'm busy" as an excuse. Just trying to live my life as secluded as I could.

And then just a week ago, Unexpected people had been talking to me about my spiritual walk. All nudging me and encouraging me to not give up on God, to come back...Like the story of the prodigal son...
I feel like a stumbling block cause I feel like I was a role model and now I am a black sheep.
For every reason I gave to my friends, they could counter it.
All of them having more faith in me than myself; they believe in me more than i believe in myself.

"You can struggle but don't give up, tahan"

"Sometimes you have to go through the wilderness, God allows it but He sees us through it"

"sometimes He lets us experience stuff so that we understand, God doesn't trick us into loving Him nor does He force us to love Him. He wants us to see Him for who He really is so we can love Him and I can tell you that He loves you and you love Him. It's just that faith is hard, building it is a process, and you can't take shortcuts."

"Maybe you can try being more sincere or honest with God. Don't try and give God an impression of who you are. Just let Him see you for exactly who you are..exactly what you are. When He sees us, we're all naked so we shouldn't try and act up. Just give yourself as you are and let Him be"