SiNner!

the crude and honest confession of
the ungrateful rebellious sinner:
Ashamed I write this...

Since June, God had been really evident and working in my life. HIS presence is just so real. Leadership, Opportunities and Joy...But somehow, I'm not as happy as I should be...

I think I'm fed up with GOD. (Too much of good things can make me jelak)
Everything is just going too good. I am tak biasa with what is going on lah.

August, right now I'm purposely sinning and deliberately rebelling...just like the Israelite during the cycle's in judges era, also like when they asked for a human king therefore rejecting God as their king [theocracy].

I'm talking about BGC family camp...
First Min Fook approach me,
then came U. Sunny(Sunday School teacher-->I'm a helper in Sunday school) sms pressure me,
Then was CJ's P& W time "You GENTLY call me into Ur presence...I'm captured by your Holy calling, SET ME APART I know you're DRAWING me close to Your self"
Next was Francis( Youth Adviser)......I said "NO!" to all...
then the final attack was U. Wong Tee Fatt(Church Elder) came and gave me no choice...

Then A. Siat Peng came and ask me why I don't want to go,

(lucky me, coincidentally on 1 st Sep, there's "trials")
I said I got "trials" the next day after camp. It was quite a solid reason ma...this 'trials' is the one where the JABATAN set one, same paper for the whole WPKL.
What, it's the truth what! OK, OK, the real reason is rebellion, it's just that I don't want to go...no real reason. The tag line that is always used "STUDIES MORE IMPORTANT OR GOD MORE IMPORTANT?"

A.Siat Peng doesn't know the real reason, she thinks it's because of my "trials". So, A. Siat Peng is going to stand up for me...

I'm not only sinning but I also drag other people to support me and indirectly cause them to sin. A HYPOCRITE! What else? It's a rebellion and all pride just like Lucifer. Plus a bit of Jonah-ing where I don't want to do God's purpose instead I run away from God's purpose.
I'm so CHILDISH ya?

I'm challenging God, I'm in the winning line now. I really want to see how God is going to make the impossible possible now, I got people behind me and real "solid" reasons to avoid family camp. "what You gonna do har? What can You do?"

who the heck am I?

Now I still hear God's voice but I don't know when will I harden my heart so much so that I become immune to God's voice that I may not be able to hear HIM anymore? Will He reject me the same way He gave up the Israelites because they kept rebelling?

I deceivingly blind people by letting them think what they want to believe...making them believe in a half twisted truth aka Lies! I use people for my purpose. I don't care about whether it hurts other people.

My heart is a bit hardened...I have the "So what? Whatever! Believe what you want! It doesn't matter. What they don't know won't hurt them. It's okay as long as it doesn't destroy me!" attitude

The Chinese girl in my school said something to me at school...I just kept quiet but inside I shouted "Whatever la...Well, to tell you the truth Pui Yee, you are right! I never wanted to be here in the first place. If you don't want to talk to me then just don't talk lah. Not like you ever really talk to me at all. So what?"

I've gone crazy! I want to shout, hit something and run. I want to injure someone, don't care verbal, physical or emotional. I want to cut myself. I want to rebel or hurt some one's feelings. Right now I really want to play a contact sport. Rugby would be good!

something is wrong with me, someone help me, I'm falling away but thankfully my conscience is still rational that I'm not doing what I want to do...but this is all still wrong.
Can I just jump down a building?

Someone, Anyone, Everyone...
Please pray to God for me...Only He can save me. I don't dare go to GOD since it is I who choose to deliberately rebel against the Creator...

This SUCKS but PRIDE and EGO doesn't let me go back...


I'm hoping someone reads this and I'm hoping God wins...

~Distorted Girl~