Fear of friends

Well, it's been quite a busy holiday, I've never had a busier holiday in my life!

This is also my first time going out so much especially with friends. Last time I would usually say no when people ask me out cause I have a lot of people who is out there to get me mar...You'll never know what they are going to do to you especially when they are in gangs...Yeah, I do have trust issues. Trust no one in order to avoid getting hurt. I'm very open, people may accept me as friends but I do not necessarily acknowledge them as friends.

This time, after a terrible One and a half years being in SMK SP, I finally decided, what can be worse than Sri Pantai? And so, I let myself go into the cloud of "dangers"...all the risk and stupid fears...Letting myself into the gangs was a bit scary but after some time the insecurity left and I begin to realize that all my fear about going out with people is not rational.

Even during the BGC Grow camp, I would sleep the latest and try to be the first to wake up...all for my security. There was one morning where I was still sleeping and Shi Fen(if i'm not mistaken, that's her name or is it Issabel?) woke me up. I was surprised and asked her why did she wake me up, she could have woke up everyone and left me still sleeping...(revenge). She said, "Why would I do that?"...wasn't I annoying and sarcastic towards you?

I grow up in Amma's house with 6 boys. Carakporn, Wira, Prince, Kumaran, Sanjeev, Thira. Being the only girl I would have to be tough and always look out for myself. It was survival for the fittest and a dog-eat-dog world. It was hard always trying to not be left behind. You gotta watch your own back and protect yourself. Loyalty was the most important element to stay alive.

btw: when I said gangs I meant cliques and Amma is like my godmother/babysitter/nanny/guardian, I grew up in her house.

Bully, tomboy-ish, discriminate, aggressive, I am a very loyal person-->behind all the bullying and discriminating, I actually care about my friends. If someone from a different gang disturb my friends I will protect and stand up for them...I kicked a boy in primary school because he disturb my friend and in secondary school I physically fought with a prefect outside school because he disturb my friend. It's funny, it was the exact same friend-Nabila Huda seems to like getting into troubles...LOL

Like Lya Atira says, "u bully but at the same time protected me what.."

Hilda means– battle maid (English). In Scandanavia, it means protector,valkyrie. In Germany it means Variant of Hildegarde: Battle. Glorious, warfare.